“If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.” -Gail Sheehy
---
I’m home in Alaska. It’s nine in the morning and dark outside. The sun has yet to rise, but I’m still on Eastern Time, wide-awake and ready to go. Recent Chinook winds have brought warm temperatures to Anchorage, melting away the snow, turning parking lots to ice. Nevertheless, it feels good to be home in spite of the darkness, in spite of the ice and poor ski conditions. It’s funny how home is comforting no matter what…
Over the last six months I’ve struggled with illness. Coming off some great summer training and PRs on many of our team interval courses, in late summer I got totally knocked down by a nasty walking pneumonia-type bug for six weeks. It took a lot to get back on my feet after that as I went into the fall. Then at the beginning of December, two weeks into our first period of racing, we stopped in Silver Star, BC and I got hit again. In Silver Star- one of favorite ski spots in the world- I was quarantined, because the last thing anyone wanted was to get sick. I barely skied at all and didn’t race, fighting a bad head cold for around ten days. Just back on my feet, we traveled to Rossland, BC where I raced two of the three races in a mini-tour before sitting out the last race and packing up to head east for a holiday break with family.
Upon arriving in the east I once again got sick- this time with a nasty chest cold, complete with a terrible hacking cough. I took the entire time off, only going for periodic walks. I struggled to sleep at night, as my cough worsened when I was horizontal. I coughed so much, in fact, that I began to experience rib pain. It was minor at first, but got gradually more uncomfortable as I continued to cough. After some time it was clear that I’d either badly bruised, separated or cracked rib(s) on my left side. Perhaps that was the straw that broke the camel’s back- it was definitely time to go home.
- - -
Ski racing is a wonderful, exhilarating, inspiring pursuit. It can be rewarding beyond measure and full of incredible lessons that reach far beyond sport. I love ski racing and am so thankful that it is a part of my life, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been extremely hard lately. I feel like I’m in a big hole. For much of the last two years I’ve struggled to find form, my body has felt off, and most recently, I’ve been plagued by illness. At the same time, most certainly in conjunction with this, my attitude towards racing has changed. I’ve felt negative and anxious. My racing has been labored, and my muscles have been tight. Through my studies in psychology at APU, I've come to understand just how interconnected the body and mind are, and I can see without a doubt that I’m generally just really burned out.
Rather than fight this, rather than continuing to go through the motions, racing with a tired body, an anxious doubtful mind, and less than a whole heart, I decided to take a little vacation from ski racing. Having not taken more than a few days off- and always only due to illness (or appendectomy)- since I was fourteen, I gifted myself a break. To be completely honest, this wasn’t as calculated or as easy as it sounds. Sometimes forced rest- in this case by illness- can be a blessing in disguise, and that’s exactly what it has turned out to be. Over Christmas I couldn’t even go for a short walk- let alone train- without having horrible coughing fits, and so I didn’t train. Simple as that sounds, it was a big deal for me. I skied only once in two weeks while in Vermont. I took care of myself. I let my mind relax. I didn’t get anxious about losing training base. I spent time with family…
My mom tasting the local ice cream at Ben & Jerry's during our Christmas shopping trip in Burlington, VT.
I played with my youngest cousins, Charlotte and Annika Mannix, ages three and five, who I only see once every few years. I held their new baby brother, 11 week-old John Fredrick Mannix, for the first time and watched him smile, blow bubbles and coo...
I prepared food...
I baked cookies with my mom and brother…
(photo credit: Ian Mannix)
And then we ate them and we gave more away…
And my brother took beautiful pictures, as he always does (thanks little brother)…
(photo credit: Ian Mannix)
Around Christmas time I chose not to attend US Nationals for the first time since 2003. When New Years rolled around, I didn’t make any resolutions, but now, in hindsight I realize that I actually did in a way. The change in my life in 2011 has come in the form of letting go (at least temporarily) of a compulsion to train and the self-imposed pressure to race no matter what. I've gradually accepted this change and the gift of some time off. And so I’ve returned home, I’ve found peace with not being across the country ski racing, being frustrated, fighting sore ribs and persistent illness. I’ve tackled new projects- cleaned my house and organized my bookshelves. I’ve paid bills and organized paperwork. Last night I opened my last Christmas gift from my family, a wonderful new bread book, and was inspired to create a new sourdough starter…
I’m planning a fun birthday weekend with my mom and have convinced my parents to let me steal my dog back for a month or so for some company…
(photo credit: Ian Mannix)
I have some baking projects up my sleeve, as always…
And last, but not least, I’ve started my senior project- a thesis of sorts- and the last class of my undergraduate career at Alaska Pacific University…
I’m not done ski racing yet though, and I do miss it. I’ve been following the tremendous success of my teammates the last few days at US Nationals- today both men and women took the top two spots in both distance races, with many other really impressive performances from other my teammates as well! I’m so excited for my team and feel very lucky to be part of such a talented group. I’m also incredibly appreciative of my coach, Erik Flora, for his patience and understanding, and most of all, for his belief in me.
And while I miss my friends and teammates, and the travel and camaraderie, for the time being, I’m happy to be where I am. Sometimes it takes being away from something to realize just how much you miss it. So I’m enjoying the solitude of my cozy condo, not fretting about the ice rink-turned ski trails in Anchorage, eating good food, and compiling fascinating articles on the personality type of elite athletes for a literature review for my senior project.
I can’t exactly say what’s in store for me or how long my hiatus will be, but that’s what’s nice about it. I’m looking forward to completing my degree, testing out some new sourdough bread recipes, taking walks with my dog, and when I’m rested and rearing to go, I’m going to be back on skis.
The journey continues...
I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!
---
“Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.” -Pauline R. Kezer
